Depression

I just read some articles at the Website www.eq.org. What a wonderful website. I feel much better about myself, when I read other peoples stories, and I find out I am not alone. Being deppressed is ok, and I just found that out. Everyone in my family keeps telling me that there is something wrong with me, and I need to get my life fixed. But I don't think they understand what I am doing.

My family members are often unhappy unless they are doing something. And in general, they are all pretty unhappy. Non of them believe in meditation, or really do any forms of Exercise. Therefore, I am moving away. I have decided, that as long as I am around them, and living with them, I want to change them, and make them better people. This isn't helping me grow as an individual.

I've decided to move to NYC, and have recieved dispariging comments from all levels. This is what I want to do, yet I still seek approval from my family members. I am tired, and I am deppressed. But that is ok, and I am not going to fight it anymore, I am going to look for the strength that it gives me, and find the energy from this feeling to help move me in a positive direction towards growth.

An other day, and other...dollar??

Women. Well, let's just say I still have alot to learn.

Tomorrow, I will get up early and go for a run. I am tired now, but will not go to bed.

I wish that I could write something less introspective. Perhaps I should go volunteer somewhere. That might make my life a little more interesting.

What have I done?

Ok, weeks have gone by since I have written. This is usually the case in my Journals. What am I doing in my life, I ask myself? Who the hell wants to read a blog about someone who is floundering in their life? Their life, his life, my life. This is MY life right? The only one who has control of it is me. And why am I not taking control of it? I have no idea. Boohoo. Video games. Are they a waste of time? Should I be doing better things with my time? Why do I lack a social life? Because I am not where I want to be. Bugger.

Ok, everyone has a mentor right? Someone they really look up to, right? Does this go for relationships?

Ok, I am going to do something, what am I waiting for any way. Not really sure. This can be a little bit of a pisser, when you have a whole lot of questions and a whole lot of no answers. More on that later.

Right now I am trying to get a certificate in the MyOwn Business Program, and my Bartender's liscense. I am going to try and complete the Bartender one by monday. The Business cert. I am doing two seperate business plans for so it will take me longer.

The Starting of My Life, Again

For those of you just joining in, welcome. For those of you returning, welcome. And for those of you not reading this and who never will, god bless you. Do I really believe there is a god? Well, that is a tortoise of a different color. Whether yes or no, remains to be seen and proven to me, but I am sure as time goes by, life will tell. Most people who read this will be people I already know, which will be few, and anyone new who comes here, well just won't. Not at the beginning at anyrate. At this point in my life I am far to self indulgent, and not enough caring, or giving. Two things I hope to change over time. Also budgeting and not being so greedy.
One point of annoyance, this Blog has no way to indent so I have to hit the space bar five times. I believe I have reached the epitome of laziness.
"What has become of my life," I dramatically ask myself, lying on a horse hair blanket in my sisters apartment. Looking up at the ceiling, I float in my own stew of self pity, and ask my self why I am such a reach. I have just spent 20 minutes listening to my sister lecture me on how I am floundering, which in other terms simply means "Bill your a lazy bastard."
This was my discovery today, as I entered that word into an online dictionary. I didn't even realize what that word meant!!! Along with many other words people use to describe things. I feel like a little hummingbird in a flock of ravens. Or maybe voulchers. Well, you choose your poison, if you are of marine type, maybe even seagulls. Nevertheless, I was stunned at what I found.
While the web page with the online dictionary loads, let me explain something about myself. I am not really good at any one thing. I have no special talent. When I talk to other people, they tell me, "Oh, I knew I was going to be a baseball player since I was 10," or "I knew I wanted to be a biologist since 9th grade," or "I've known what I wanted to do with my life since I can first remember."
Well, pardon me, but what the fuck? Oh, excuse me. Can I swear on here? IF some one has a problem with this please let me know. I would rather edit it myself then get in trouble because I used a word that is offensive. It is in the dictionary though folks, and if you kids have half a brain, which is more then I had at their age, they can look it up in a dictionary, along with many more colorful words.
So as I was saying, what the bleepin F*@#* is going on here? Did I miss something at the age of ten when they were handing out the brochure "What to do with the rest of your life. Subscribe now and get $10.oo off the cover price." What did I do wrong? What was I spending my time doing, or not doing that these kids have it all figured out? I feel jipped, I feel ripped off, I want some justice, and I want some answers. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH MY LIFE!
[Sung to the tune of "WAR"] "Bill, what is he good for, absolutely NOTHING. Let me sing it again."
Ok, that brings me back to floundering. Here is the definition.

flounder

intr. v. Flown doer ed, floun der ing, floun ders

1. Trying to make clumsy attempts to move or regain one's balance.

2. To move act clumsily and in confusion. See synonyms at Blunder.

Now, you may be asking why I have included this definition in this writing and I'll tell you why. You are most likely reading this because you your self are suffering from the same aliment as mean, and are contemplating taking an ice pick, shovel, cliff, or some other device to remove your presence from our globe of elements. Well, that I don't recommend, because something one given and thrown away, can not be replaced. Such is life.

So, as I read on, I looked up Blunder. Self explanatory. Then I went back to a couple pages to the page that listed the different possible definitions to Flounder. There was also a thesaurus and I clicked on it. Exciting stuff folks I know. Under flounder, the second definition read.

To move about in an indolent or clumsy manner: wallow, welter. So, I then looked up indolent to find that it meant, in all shortness, to be lazy. More elaborately, Disinclined to exert oneself, habitually lazy.

Well, there was my little golden egg of knowledge staring me into the face. "Bill," I thought, " You are a habitually lazy man. You aren't doing anything, or helping anyone. You are feeling sorry for yourself, and feeling sorry for yourself is being lazy. You've done it so well, for so long, you've become good at it. So good, you've become good at something else."

Well, that got the fire lit under my bum and I put in a search at Google (Please don't sue me guys, Google reserves all the right for there sight and I get no $$'s for using there name. Such is life) for "I am lazy". No, actually it was how to stop being lazy. Found an article on askmen, and read about success.

Well, there are my self indulgent remarks for now. Nothing of interest really, but in time I believe that this blog will get better. My goal is to write two blogs a day. One from the day before I will edit, and then I will write a new one for that day, and save it as a draft for editing on the next. My goal will be to make my blogs interesting to you to the reader. To the point that people are begging me to write more. Begging so much that both my e-mail accounts go on suspend from lack of disk space.

I will need to get access to a computer every day for about two or three hours, which once I get busy will be more challenging. Also, not having ready internet access will pose an other challenge, but that is how I look at them, which makes it more exciting.

Getting involved with other people's life will also be more fulfilling and definitely make my blog more interesting.

Perhaps finding topics, or writing about things from the newspaper will add to the variety in my blog. I will write more tonight.

Have A Good Day